reality check

so far most of my posts have been a reflection of the mindset that i have chosen as a method of fighting this disease. i choose a perspective that is full of hope and joy and dignity and strength. i am now also experiencing some of the downside of cancer, and as i am choosing not to focus my thoughts or energy on those things i have not really posted the whole story. so here it is, some of the nasty side (which for me just only really began about 3 weeks ago).

i am not 100% certain that this really is the source of the pain, but it is very likely that there is a tumor on my spine that is destroying the bone tissue. this is a condition that has become extremely painful. because of its location on my upper back there are many movements that trigger a shock of pain. recently that has progressed into a constant nagging pain that is most disruptive at night while i attempt sleep. this has driven me to begin the process of searching for the appropriate pain medication to bring me some relief so that i may continue to function as close to normal (for me) as possible. the one i am on right now is very effective at reducing the pain, and some of the side effects are pleasant. the other side effects however, have been their own little bit of struggle. What I would like to communicate is this, for those of you who pray please lift these issues up to our Father; bad constipation, occasionally crippling fatigue and mental slow down, periodic waves of flu like symptoms, and the craziest one of all, a one month supply is $360.00.

the other struggle that weighs heavily upon me is the loss of the ability to play with my boys the way we are used to playing. we have always been able to have wild time and play very aggressively and actively with each other and i currently experience intense pain when i just try to throw a ball! i am able to connect with my sons in other ways that are really significant, but there is something that we all really miss now that we cannot slap, body slam, titty twist and sucker punch each others ribs.

i appreciate those of you who have had suggestions regarding medical care, and i also appreciate those of you who have refrained from overloading me with information. when it comes to play time with the wild ones, i would welcome any and all suggestions and ideas about what me and the boys could do together that will satisfy their natural tendency towards crazy time, and allow me to stay boring and immobile. i haven't included naomi in this as her and i have never used slapping or body slamming in any of our play and she prefers the calmer modes of interacting (seems strange that i have a child like that at all). I am also looking for ways to create awesome significant memories for my babies as they are struggling with the torment of a sick daddy and their fear of losing me. so shoot me any ideas you have or things that you have done that might create lasting fond memories.

bless all y'all

on the road again!

we are heading back to california! we love texas more than any other place we've ever been, but there are some great things available to us in california for right now. i have not kept this blog as informative and up to date as i would have liked and this post will likely be the least coherent of them all, but i do want to let you all know the latest. the tumor on my spine has grown increasingly painful and has actually gotten severe enough to get me into some painkillers. the dose that is required to make the pain level tolerable is also enough to slow me down an awful lot, so i may not make a whole lot of sense in my communication (i'm just glad that i can't slur my words on a blog)
i cannot believe the overwhelming amount of support that my family has received from this great community. i can't imagine that any other individual fighting this beast of cancerr has had the kind of outpouring of generosity, ingenuity and (the drugs kind of ebb and flow, i have sat here at the keyboard for about 10 minutes after typing the word ingenuity and keep forgetting what i am trying to think of to communicate) ... i guess i'll just have to leave you hanging. as an example for those of you who have not personally been subjected to my most recent obsession, a dear friend in texas let me borrow his beautiful 2000 heritage springer softail harley for the week prior to our departure for california. on the day before our planned departure, i was starting to work on getting the bike back to him and he and his wife told me to figure out a way to take the scoot to california with us. i don't know how much all y'all (thats texan for referring to plural form of you) know about your average harley owner but thats kind of like saying "here, take my right leg and all of my joy with you to california. this example is just one of many giant acts of generosity and again and again i am filled with love and gratitude for our God who takes the plans of our enemy intended to destroy us and turns them to pure blessing.
in this season there are many wonderful people that i love dearly that are sending me there messages of love and hope. as my days lately seem to be a stumbling match between intense pain and bill and teds excellent pain meds i have not been returing very many calls. please forgive me and have grace, the majority of my energy and coherency has gone into pouring myself into the lives of my wife and babies (and honestly a little bit of harley time). i do love receiving your messages!

i am pretty sure there are a lot more details i should be providing but the keyboard has actually become incredibly blurry for now, so please pray without ceasing, send lots of money and love, and i hope to see YOU very soon.